OCTOBER 2008 ONLINE EDITORIALS
Ümlaüt to Rock Aggie this Halloween.
Many Casualties, Broken English Expected.
By Nathan Harper
Most heavy-metal bands take themselves waaay too seriously - Ümlaüt is not one of those bands. Their Oct 31st CD release party/Halloween bash at the Aggie with Give Er Hell will be sure to feature bad faux-German accents, great riffs, new bassist/vocalist Udo, and a giant smoke machine in addition to their hilarious stage presence. Scene recently talked with the swaggeringly self-assured party-band via email - what follows is an abridged, heavily censored, account of that exchange.
Scene Magazine: How did you land this gig? Will there be costumes?
Das Snake: (engineer) Scoo f---ing loves us, zhats how!
Von C.: (guitars/vocals) Vell... Rex Quivers, our manager, called ze Aggie und told zhem Ümlaüt vanted to play a CD release party on Halloween. Obviously, zhey jumped at ze opportunity. You should be asking zhem how zhey vere able to book US!?
Die Muter: (drums/vocals) Ve played every Halloween in our native Germany, und ve vould hang a Frenchman in front of ze stage, und ve vould take turns pelting him viss insults und drumsticks. God I miss Frenchmen.
Frau B: (dancer/eye-candy) Your eyes vill burn on my glorious flesh, und your loins vill be set ablaze viss passion!
Frau A: (eye-candy/dancer) Jah. You vill see more of me zan ever before!
Udo: (bass/vocals) Und don't forget ze costume contest. Ve vill be awarding a hot, cream filled sausage to ze fan viss ze most original costume.
SM: What is the title of your first CD? How’s Udo working out?
Udo: ICH ORDNE AN! (I RULE!)
Von C.: It's true, he does. Udo is (former bassist/singer) Uldis' brother, so it vas a pretty easy transition for us after Uldis left to join awesome local band Red Hour. Ve vill never be able to replace Uldis, but if life hands you lemons, make yourself a Jäger Bomb, und throw ze lemons at a cop.
As far as ze CD is concerned, ve vere going to call it Deutschland Überalles, but ze reps at our label thought it was elitist sounding, so ve named it Eins (One), as a tribute to Led Zeppelin’s first album. Ve von't be naming ze next one Zwei (Two) though, we will go straight to Sex! (Six). Or perhaps Fünf, (Five). Americans love to say fünf.
SM: It might just be the accents, but I’m confused - if Udo’s just in from The Vaterland, then who played bass on your new album?
Von C.: Excellent question! Actually, ve had asked local celebrity und punk rock legend Karl Alvarez to join ze band. He played on all of ze songs on ze record, but it became clear to him very early that he had too many other projects going on (to be full-time Ümlaüt). He's currently in Canada playink viss ze Real McKenzies!! He is also ze frontman und guitar player for zwei other awesome local bands, Beneath Children und the soul band called The Turkeys. He even moonlights viss ze group Maybe. Und ze man just had a heart attack last year! You can't really expect him to be able to hang viss Ze 'Laüt - ve huff ether for breakfast!
SM: Did you guys discover partying as a way of gaining American fans? Do Germans, in fact, party more efficiently?
Muter: PARTY!!!
Von C.: Jah! Do you remember ze gag on Saturday Night Live's coneheads skit, vhen an earthling vould say, "you know, vhen ve landed on ze moon." Und ze conehead family vould laugh, und say, "hahaha, land on ze moon." Zat is how ve feel about zat question. Amis don't know how to party. Zat is vhat ve are trying to bring back to you. Sex, drugs, rock und roll, sex, drugs, und sex!!
Frau B: I challenge any American man to a drink-off!
Frau A: Let me put it ziss vay, could you drink a beer bong, mainline a blast of H, toot a rail, und satisfy zree men all at ze same time? I didn't zink so.
Udo: Burp
SM: What can fans expect for an all out sensory assault besides the riff blitzkrieg that is Ümlaüt?
Muter: Ve now haff a smoke machine as big as ze Surfside!
Das Snake: I am ze engineer! Don't patranize me viss silly questions!
Von c: Vell, ve don't vant to giff away too much, but ve can tell you zat ze '82 elmo (old grade school overhead projector used to display lyrics) vill be retired at the CD release party. Some of our new visual components vill be R to X-rated, so all of you prude Amis should just stay home. Oh wait, all of you Americans are prudes, so just leave ze kids at home.
SM: Kreator or Spinal Tap?
Von C.: Spinal Tap? Who is zat?
Muter: Well it must be Kreator, because ve've never heard of ziss "Spinal Tap." Why vould anyvone compare a medical procedure to one of our favorite bands?!
Frau B: Ve are ze creator!
Frau A: Ve create ze load in your face!
SM: Finally, how hard do you guys rock?
Muter: Obviously you haff never seen us before.
Udo: ROCK!
Das Snake: Go f--- yourself!
Frau B.: Harder, und harder, und harder, und harder, don't stop!!!
Frau A: Harder zan ze girls on (illicit website) get (illicit verb)-ed.
Von C.: Wow! Clean it up Frau A. I'm confused - zat vould be like asking ze universe, "How infinite are you?" Some questions in life just cannot be answered.