AUGUST 2008 ONLINE EDITORIALS
Uncle Johnny's Tips for Musicians: Rock ‘n Robbery
By Johnny Hickmann
So you and the band have finally put a tour together and are about to embark on a journey to bring your music to fans all over the map. Let’s address an issue that could bring the entire trip to a miserable, grinding halt: getting ripped off out there. I don’t mean by promoters or club owners (although that does happen). I’m referring to the scumbags who target musical equipment. This has happened to my band Cracker and to my friends in Camper Van Beethoven (twice in the same year!) and indeed to countless other musicians. Only a couple bands I know of have been actually physically attacked (including two musicians shot last month in Savannah, GA), but the stories of tours ruined and collectible instruments lost forever would make your heart ache. These vermin come in roughly three varieties:
1. Professional teams who research their victims. They read the local entertainment trade papers watching for bands, sometimes even posing as fans on MySpace and web sites to find details. They will follow your band around town and make note of both your venue and hotel. With pro gear and torches they will break into your van and trailer with barely a sound. Or they’ll hot wire your vehicle in seconds and drive the whole thing away while you are sleeping. They often have international buyers or fences lined up in advance for your precious gear.
2. Crack head/junkie novices. These opportunists hover in alleys near vans and around backstage doors as you load out, often posing as fans and offering to help you load your gear. Trust your instincts. Ask the venue staff about them. I’ve heard stories from musicians who turned their back for one moment to sign a CD and had their guitar or drum vanish into the dark night... These guys also work in teams. One is there to distract you while the other grabs and runs.
3. Inside jobbers. Be aware that the nightclub business has relatively high employee turnover. Most are there because they love music and working with people. Unfortunately some make mental note of what’s on stage, then call their partners who will gladly relieve you of it later – often by following you to your hotel and waiting until the gear is left unattended.
The best ways to avoid this hellish experience are: Foremost, don’t take your eyes off your gear. Make sure that one of you is always near the equipment. I knew a band that actually saw thieves taking the guitars out of their car as they watched helplessly from inside a restaurant. By the time they ran outside, the looters were speeding away. Second, no matter how exhausted and/or buzzed you are or how safe a parking lot seems, CARRY AS MUCH INTO YOUR HOTEL ROOMS AS POSSIBLE. At the very least, bring guitars, effects and any other small valuables in. People after your musical gear will also gladly take iPods, computers, briefcases, GPS units and anything else that might make them a few bucks. I’m paranoid enough to know that hotel employee turnover (especially at mediocre places) can be as bad as at clubs. To foil thieves with magnetic keys to MY room, if I go out at night, I turn off the lights, hang the “Do Not Disturb” sign, and create the “Huge Man in the Bed” out of pillows. “He” watches loud TV in my bed while I am away.
If the worst happens and your gear disappears, use the internet to alert fans. Also, take the time to make a police report. Here’s why: The head to my Matchless amp was stolen and then pawned in Dallas. My friend Victor found it on EBay four months later. ONLY because I’d filed a police report with the serial number on it, the pawnbroker had to release it to the police. The police found Victor’s amp too, at the home of the guy who pawned my Matchless. A rare double recovery!
Safe travels. Uncle Johnny, over and out.
Comment or questions? www.myspace.com/johnnyhickmanmusic