By Devin Morse
Man, when I become president, things are going to be different. We’re talking change. Not the B.S. “change” we’re always hearing about, where everything ends up staying the same, but real change. As president, I plan to tackle this country’s greatest challenges with the decisive tact and expedient manner of a true professional. I intend to listen carefully to the issues and concerns of everyday citizens and balance their needs against those of big business, foreign interest and the environment. Damned if I won’t be the best president to ever serve this fine nation.
As assistant manager of the greater Aurora, CO area’s P.J. McFlinger’s Bar and Grill, I am no stranger to the intricacies of leadership. I am already intimately aware of how hard it is to be the top dog – the one who must remain poised under insurmountable pressure, while simultaneously juggling an infinite number of complex issues and attempting to appear sensitive to a multitude of diverse backgrounds and opinions. If my week-long stint at the P.J. McFlinger’s Assistant Manager Training Seminar in Omaha has given me anything, it is the knowledge and skills necessary to run this glorious nation.
After all, any effective leader must be fair, informed and decisive, regardless of which employee may need the night off to see their ex-roommate from Fresno. A strong leader must be inspiring, confident, and capable of winning over any customer whose Awesome Dumplin’ Dunkers took more than 15 minutes to arrive. Sometimes, a great leader must be willing to compromise, even if it means a 20 percent discount on the Clam Jammers that “just didn’t seem as flavorful as last time.”
With all my skills and experience, becoming president would really just be a natural progression. Plus, I think all Americans can agree that it’s not really that much harder of a job anyway. Easier, at least, than apologizing to that woman at table 17 last night after her Ice Queen frozen margarita got dumped into her lap by the new waiter, Chip. I’d like to see Obama try to smooth that one out. I don’t see him winning any McFlinger’s Favorites awards for “Best Assistant Manager” in the Mountain West Region.
If you’ve happened upon political blogs, television punditry, or the comments section at the bottom of Yahoo! news stories, you probably already realize just how easy being president actually is. Everyone’s always talking about it. It’s like the answers to our nation’s biggest problems are already all out there, on the tip of everyone’s tongue, growing cold like a Seasonal Fajita Bomber that never made it to the table.
Even bduprie128, a struggling mechanic and father of three from Indianapolis seems to have it all figured out. He writes, in response to a Yahoo! news article on President Obama, “Why can’t this idiot fix the economy?? HE SO STUPID, if nobody has money, why doesn’t he just print more? Why doesn’t he print a BIRTH CERTIFICATE?”
Ah, bduprie128, you are so wise, so eloquent. As in most situations, the parable of the easiest solution being the best once again proves true. “Why don’t we just print more?” It seems so ironic that all those white-collar types from Harvard, Columbia and Yale have yet to figure it out.
But then again, we can’t all be the “take care of business” type, now can we? For instance, when I see that someone needs a side of Explosion Sauce for their Seared Baja Tuna Slammers, I don’t let the situation escalate into a multi-national freedom fight at taxpayer expense. Similarly, I don’t spend my precious management resources resolving employee disputes that have little to do with the workplace.
Rather, I introduce a unilateral agreement to fire all parties involved, and then distance myself from them as quickly as possible, as would any world leader worth his salt. Management 101, people.
As president, I promise to treat all citizens like customers in my establishment: as guests in this middleclass restaurant of a country. As any veteran P.J. McFlinger’s employee will tell you, this means making everyone happy with his or her P.J. McFlinger’s experience. It means that the customer is always right.
Which is exactly why I plan on destroying our two-party system by pandering equally to liberal and conservative agendas. For instance, I will first make conservatives happy by outlawing abortion and handing out free guns. Then, I will make concessions to liberals by making guns illeg– wait, that’s not right at all. Hold on… Okay, okay, I’ve got it. First, I make all guns illegal, and then hand out free abor—
No, no, that’s not right either. Not right at all. Damn. Okay, wait: First I make guns illegal… Dammit, this all seemed so simple when I was sweeping out the walk-in last night.
Ok, let me start over: first I solve the employment problem by opening 20,000 new P.J. McFlinger’s…